The Penis Said What??

Today’s topic is the relationship between a penis and vagina. I know, you’re all thinking that you know the relationship between a penis and a vagina.

But do you really?

Most vaginas are bitches. They know they’re wanted. As a penis, you want in. You (almost) don’t care who is attached as long as you get in. In, in, in, in, in I WANT IN! But the vagina, well, like I said, she’s a bitch. She holds the power! The VAGINA POWER! ( I looked for a great picture to put in here but you do NOT want to know what I found)

Ok, so you know that part. But did you you know that the bitches want the penis almost as much as the penis wants the vagina?

My assumption, only having a vagina, is that the penis is just waiting for a vagina to come along and jump on it. I was apparently wrong. You actually have to sexy men up first. After all these years, I just thought you could say, “Let’s have sex.” and you get sex. This is not the case.

However, I did find out that if you’re topless then it’s easier to convince the penis that the vagina is a good idea.

I guess the lesson today is that men need foreplay too. They need to fee sexy and wanted…like little bitches. So, ladies, don’t forget that deep down inside of your burping, farting, video game playing, birthday forgetting men are little vaginas.

I Am The Unemployed

So now, that I have no job, I find myself to have plenty of time to do those things that I didn’t have time for before. Like losing my glasses. Maybe that will be another story, as will the cause of my new found freedom. For right now I want to focus on what in the hell is going on with my bowels. Yeah, you read that right. My doctor put me on a new medicine with a long list of side effects. The side effects include the symptoms that have me taking the medication in the first place. It makes you wonder how they come up with these.

Chemist: “Well, we’ve completed the testing and found in half the patients, they got better.

Pharmaceutical company : “That’s great! what about the other half?”

CH: “Well of that half, 1/3 stayed the same, 1/16 committed suicide and 2/17 now believe they are farm animals.” (please don’t attempt the math, I didn’t)

PC: “What kind of farm animals?”

CH: “How is that relevant?” (PH mumbles something about sheep and lube)

PC: “Well, that’s great, lets send it to marketing.”

CH: “But it only cured half and an 1/8 of that half has explosive diarrhea!”

PC: “So it can be used for weight loss too? This is fantastic! This may be the best anti-depressant we’ve ever made!”

Now that we’ve uncovered the thought process behind all pharmaceuticals, I can let you know that I am a very happy person now. The sun is shining, there’s a beautiful breeze and the birds are singing and I don’t want to bite their tiny little heads off. …I am a very happy person who now has the bowels of a bird. Meaning, if there isn’t a toilet around, I will shit on your windshield. It’s gotten to the point that halfway through any meal I’m running to the bathroom to piss out of my ass. I’m considering getting vitamins, I don’t think I’m absorbing a single nutrient. I opened up a can of Spaghetti-O’s for lunch and considered just dumping them down the toilet to saved myself the trouble.

Now that we’ve marked my return with the disgusting stuff, everything else from here on out should be fairly normal. Well, normal to my standards. Also, I think I have a few more friend profiles I need to finish. If one of them is you, let me know.

 

Stay Classy, San Diego