So now, that I have no job, I find myself to have plenty of time to do those things that I didn’t have time for before. Like losing my glasses. Maybe that will be another story, as will the cause of my new found freedom. For right now I want to focus on what in the hell is going on with my bowels. Yeah, you read that right. My doctor put me on a new medicine with a long list of side effects. The side effects include the symptoms that have me taking the medication in the first place. It makes you wonder how they come up with these.
Chemist: “Well, we’ve completed the testing and found in half the patients, they got better.
Pharmaceutical company : “That’s great! what about the other half?”
CH: “Well of that half, 1/3 stayed the same, 1/16 committed suicide and 2/17 now believe they are farm animals.” (please don’t attempt the math, I didn’t)
PC: “What kind of farm animals?”
CH: “How is that relevant?” (PH mumbles something about sheep and lube)
PC: “Well, that’s great, lets send it to marketing.”
CH: “But it only cured half and an 1/8 of that half has explosive diarrhea!”
PC: “So it can be used for weight loss too? This is fantastic! This may be the best anti-depressant we’ve ever made!”
Now that we’ve uncovered the thought process behind all pharmaceuticals, I can let you know that I am a very happy person now. The sun is shining, there’s a beautiful breeze and the birds are singing and I don’t want to bite their tiny little heads off. …I am a very happy person who now has the bowels of a bird. Meaning, if there isn’t a toilet around, I will shit on your windshield. It’s gotten to the point that halfway through any meal I’m running to the bathroom to piss out of my ass. I’m considering getting vitamins, I don’t think I’m absorbing a single nutrient. I opened up a can of Spaghetti-O’s for lunch and considered just dumping them down the toilet to saved myself the trouble.
Now that we’ve marked my return with the disgusting stuff, everything else from here on out should be fairly normal. Well, normal to my standards. Also, I think I have a few more friend profiles I need to finish. If one of them is you, let me know.
Stay Classy, San Diego
