But do you really?

Most vaginas are bitches. They know they’re wanted. As a penis, you want in. You (almost) don’t care who is attached as long as you get in. In, in, in, in, in I WANT IN! But the vagina, well, like I said, she’s a bitch. She holds the power! The VAGINA POWER! ( I looked for a great picture to put in here but you do NOT want to know what I found)

Ok, so you know that part. But did you you know that the bitches want the penis almost as much as the penis wants the vagina?

My assumption, only having a vagina, is that the penis is just waiting for a vagina to come along and jump on it. I was apparently wrong. You actually have to sexy men up first. After all these years, I just thought you could say, “Let’s have sex.” and you get sex. This is not the case.

However, I did find out that if you’re topless then it’s easier to convince the penis that the vagina is a good idea.

I guess the lesson today is that men need foreplay too. They need to fee sexy and wanted…like little bitches. So, ladies, don’t forget that deep down inside of your burping, farting, video game playing, birthday forgetting men are little vaginas.

Chemist: “Well, we’ve completed the testing and found in half the patients, they got better.

Pharmaceutical company : “That’s great! what about the other half?”

CH: “Well of that half, 1/3 stayed the same, 1/16 committed suicide and 2/17 now believe they are farm animals.” (please don’t attempt the math, I didn’t)

PC: “What kind of farm animals?”

CH: “How is that relevant?” (PH mumbles something about sheep and lube)

PC: “Well, that’s great, lets send it to marketing.”

CH: “But it only cured half and an 1/8 of that half has explosive diarrhea!”

PC: “So it can be used for weight loss too? This is fantastic! This may be the best anti-depressant we’ve ever made!”

Now that we’ve uncovered the thought process behind all pharmaceuticals, I can let you know that I am a very happy person now. The sun is shining, there’s a beautiful breeze and the birds are singing and I don’t want to bite their tiny little heads off. …I am a very happy person who now has the bowels of a bird. Meaning, if there isn’t a toilet around, I will shit on your windshield. It’s gotten to the point that halfway through any meal I’m running to the bathroom to piss out of my ass. I’m considering getting vitamins, I don’t think I’m absorbing a single nutrient. I opened up a can of Spaghetti-O’s for lunch and considered just dumping them down the toilet to saved myself the trouble.

Now that we’ve marked my return with the disgusting stuff, everything else from here on out should be fairly normal. Well, normal to my standards. Also, I think I have a few more friend profiles I need to finish. If one of them is you, let me know.

Stay Classy, San Diego

This girl, this tsunami, who came into a man’s life and upset everything he knew in favor of passion and life, learned how to give this love from lacking. All her young life, lacking that basic human need until it damaged her beyond repair and turned a beautiful emotion into a perverted version of itself. Her affections were deep for her men but she expected the same from each of them. In the way of a strong man expecting the everyday man to assist in breaking chains and lifting small planes, our misguided nymph expected a mere mortal to return the same desire and passion. When they were unable, her heart would be broken. Each time felt like the first. For days on end her wails could be heard for miles. Her light would be extinguished and the world would turn gray around her. Those who flourished in her sunlight returned to their mundane lives. The lesser men would try to cheer her up and show that they had love to give. Sweet as they were, they were dismissed from her kingdom.

After many heartbreaks our lover began to grow cold and the light in her was barely a flicker. She went a very long time with no object of affection. She found prospects here and there, saw flickers of passion in new friends but was unable to latch on in fear of pain. And as all stories have a turning point, so shall ours. It had been many months since her heart had fluttered and one day, very unexpectedly, it fluttered so hard that it beat against her chest and threatened to knock her over. The object was a familiar face and therefore the desire snuck up on her quite suddenly. With the old fervor and persistence she began the pursuit. This one was the most difficult yet and there were time when she thought she would give up for the first time in her life. Like all good temptresses, she won her man. But there was a surprise waiting for her. Cruel fate brought her to a man with half a heart. Half a heart that was damaged and no matter how hard she tried, no matter which wiles she employed, he had no love to give her. Now bound to the man with half a heart, she waits. Her own heart tells her that his can be healed and when it is, he may be the one to match her passion. Her head tells her that her passion was created from a broken place and there is no one out there that can match it. Now she waits…

3-1-09 – http://www.donatingplasma.org/search/default.aspx?ZIP=63129

Apparently I was feeling generous.

3-9-09 – http://theswampbbs.com/300m/plugchange/default.html

I do my own car repairs and yes, I successfully changed the plugs.

6-10-09 – This day I actually sent myself a word document with a big fat list. I guess I was feeling really ambitious. Topics:

Samuel  L. Jackson reprising the role of Nick Fury in Iron Man 2. I might actually discuss this one.

My grandpa’s marriage and the price of propane. There is no correlation. But the price of propane to heat a house is retarded. My grandpa is old.

Today’s lunch topics.

How much I masturbate. I have carpal tunnel from it. Seriously, it’s like 3-6 times a day.

Roommate’s boyfriend looking at porn on my computer. Haha, he looked like an idiot when he realized that I could actually access his history. he was looking for big titted MILFs. My roommate is a small girl with barely any boobs.

Queefing (sp?) after sex. Farting in your sleep. Both things I hate and both have happened to me more than once. The queef, well, that just can’t be avoided. But the farting in your sleep… One time I woke myself up and then instantly froze praying that my boyfriend hadn’t heard. I think he did.

Foreplay in the shower followed by a sandwich and no sex. One of my friend’s unfortunate experience. Seriously though, what guy chooses a sandwich over sex???

The amount of sex you get from a boy after you break up with him. Post break-up sex is pretty damn good.

How I can’t keep a secret. Seriously, my life is an open book. There are probably way too many things that people shouldn’t know about me. Now if it’s your secret, well, it’s safe with me. Trust me, I’ve told you something I shouldn’t have and now you have blackmail against me.

Patty Cake’s email. I don’t know what that was.

Mr. Awesome’s email. I also don’t know what that was.

Link to literal translation video. Hehe, here’s the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj-x9ygQEGA

Audio book. Uh, no idea.

Song stuck in my head: Turn around Bright Eyes. Hehe

Mcboobs shoving ice into her sport bottle. Damn science. This was so funny, she’s like, Oh I wish there was a way for this ice not to melt. I told her about this awesome invention called the ‘freezer’.

Searched on google images: Manpris and I-Ninja

6-11-09 -

Really want to see across the universe again. It’s a pretty damn good movie but I’m not sure that I needed to blog about it.

Thinking about my friend Nate who hung himself in Forest Park. He sent me a video on myspace just hours prior to his death. The video he sent to me was ‘I get by with a little help from my friends’. I don’t know why he did that and it haunts me everyday.

Winner for the Susan G Komen raffle got a backpack, nothing fancy. He should have gotten a bra. It was a raffle at work.

My big pen and why I bought it. It’s fricken huge. It makes my hands feel so tiny. It’s not a damn dildo!

7-1-09 – How are you? Really? I just asked myself a question?? Where the hel was I going with this??

7-6-09 -

Dear hate

It started with the god damned mouse then it moved to the fucking birthdays, the portal, my badge and the fucking desk. I know it will move on into traffic and god only knows what it will be when I get home then drop the kids off and eventually try to fall asleep. Stupid day. Man, I was bitter that day.

7-21-09 – http://www.strangeplaces.net/weirdthings/haiku.html

This one is pretty awesome.

Ok, I’m bored of this now. I’ll post the rest later.

I ended it. I couldn’t handle waiting for him anymore. My situation changed, I finally got custody of my kid and he didn’t want any part of that life. His emails and texts got shorter and fewer in between. I knew it was coming. I told him it was coming. He agreed. Then one stupid night pushed me over the edge. I was finally able to see him. After two weeks of barely catching glimpses of him at work, I worked it out so that I could spend the night. It was his guy’s night out but I thought he’d want to leave early to see me. That maybe I ranked high enough that he could sacrifice a half an hour if it meant seeing me. I was wrong. I never asked him to leave early but I wish he wouldn’t have made it so late either. I couldn’t do it any more. My heart was breaking a little more every day and this night just reminded me that he really didn’t want me. I was just a placeholder for some girl he had never met but was what he had built up in his mind to be “the one”. I didn’t come over and I told him how I felt. He said that he had been missing me too but had bottled it up “like a normal person”. That was the worst thing I had ever heard come of out of his mouth. How dare he hurt me every day. How dare he make me feel unwanted when he didn’t feel that way. Of course it could have been a lie, something to placate me. He had gotten used to that. Making me feel wanted at just the right times to keep me coming back for more. As his friend put it, he figured out how to keep me at arms length. Never letting me close but never letting me go. He’s not a bad man but he’s a very intelligent man. He’s also a very possessive man. I’m sure he knew what he was doing. He also knew that I loved him and never asked to end it as a good man would have done. So either he really did love me or he is an asshole who deserves some horrible fate for messing with someones emotions. I’ll leave his mother’s Jewish guilt to take care of that. The really messed up thing is that I would go back to him. But only if he was serious. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I’ve had a lifetime of it. Countless horrible stories that not everyone knows. In fact no one knows them all. And all I’ve ever wanted is someone to hold me when the nightmares come. Someone who will tell me that everything will be ok. Now here I lay with a broken heart and tears in my eyes. My body feels like someone has ripped out my core and replaced it with the nothing and the only person who can fix it is the one who made it.

If you’ve held on this long in the post, thank you. I know my posts are usually way more upbeat and I’m sorry that this one isn’t but I needed to get this off my chest and heart. I need to figure out how to heal.

Yours always,

QR

Fri. Nov 20 8:26 pm: It’s a-lime!! Lol?! Drtnk tepting !! Come on out Maplewood art thingy ! So drink already and we jurt started? Come on out!

Fri. Nov 20 8:30 pm: Holy eff! Paul just said I sent that 2 everyone! Sorry   lol! (Paul is a VP from his ex-employer)

Fri. Nov 20 8:46 pm: Lmao that xent to tom blunthouse!! (tom is also a VP, blunthouse is not his proper last name)

Fri. Nov 20 9:26 pm: Sutton mofo come up! Loc!

Fri. Nov 20 9:35 pm: Get folio blunthouse!

Fri. Nov 20 10:16 pm: We is headed to the 5emp brewery ouw! Foh  tiose that know I wosk there! We doin 4t ghost huoter thingy now!!

Fri. Nov 20 11:08 pm: 3 more bands playin! Lemp brewery! I w6rk here! Iit me up if you wand rock!! Sry is easeas seglect ahl while drunk! (This one is my favorite)

Sat. Nov 21 12:03 pm: Its just a wafer tin sip of vodka!

Sat. Nov 21 12:34 pm: Take iu!! Rock!!

Sat. Nov 21 5:29 pm: Anyone doin anything tonight?

JuJu: I’m bored, and haven’t talked to you in a while.  How are things?

Me: Things are good. Slow here since the order volume is down. I’ll be divorced in about a month. Mr. Awesome is all moved into his new place. My new car smells like pasta.

How are your things?

JuJu: My things are good.  Congrats on the divorce.  Makes me think of a scene from Scrubs (“By the power invested in me by the American Bar Association, I now pronounce you ex-husband and ex-wife.  You may now do whatever the hell you want.”)

What else is new?

Me: Nothing. My life is very boring.

JuJu: We need to change that.  Maybe get you a bobcat.  That should liven things up a bit.

Me: The animal or the heavy machinery? Either way, I’m in.

JuJu: First one, then the other.

Me: That should end well. How is Pixie (alias added)? Did I spell her name right?

JuJu: She is well, things are good.  Yes, you were correct (short for ********)

Me: I didn’t know that she had a long name. That’s a nice name. What’s her middle name?

JuJu: Virginia, after her grandmother (hence the FL username)

Me: I wondered.

JuJu: Kevin Bacon game time!  Give me a name

Me: 50 Cent.

JuJu: 50 Cent was in “Get Rich Or Die Tryin’” with Terrence Howard.

Terrence Howard was in “Iron Man” with Jeff Bridges.

Jeff Bridges was in “The Big Lebowski” with John Goodman.

John Goodman was in “Bluess Brothers 2000” with Dan Akroyd.

Dan Akroyd was in “Blues Brothers” with John Belushi.

John Belushi was in “Animal House” with Kevin Bacon.

Next?

Me:  50 Cent was in “Get Rich Or Die Tryin’” with Brian Paul.

Brian Paul was in “Cavedweller” with Kevin Bacon.

JuJu: Not only can I link most actors/actresses, but Matt in Small Biz and I once got creative.  He challenged me to link Steven Segall to a seagull, and Kevin Bacon to a piece of bacon (I did both)

Me: Ok, let’s see which other actors you can link to objects.

Can you link Megan Fox to a fox?

JuJu: Megan Fox was in “Transformers” with John Tuturro.

John Tuturro was on “O Brother, Where Art Thou?” with George Clooney.

George Clooney gives his voice to the title character of the upcoming “The Fantastic Mr. Fox”

Me: Fantastic!

How about Rob Lowe with a Lowe’s store?

JuJu: Rob Lowe was in “Wayne’s World” with Mike Myers.

Mike Myers costarred on SNL with Phil Hartman.

Phil Hartman played Captain Carl on PeeWee’s Playhouse, which also starred Lawrence Fishburne as Cowboy Curtis.

Lawrence Fishburne was in the Matrix Trilogy with Keanu Reeves.

Keanu Reeves was in “Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey” which featured a scene in which they built robot versions of themselves from parts bought at a hardware store.

Okay, so I don’t know if the store was a Lowe’s or not, but dang it I’m close!

Me: That’s pretty impressive.

Ok, David Cross to a crucifix.

JuJu: David Cross had a small role in “Men In Black II” with Will Smith.

Will Smith was in “Independence Day” with Bill Pullman.

Bill Pullman was in “Spaceballs” with Mel Brooks.

Mel Brooks also starred in “History Of The World, Part 1” with a scene of the Last Supper, with John Hurt playing Jesus Christ the night before his crucifixion.

While working backwards, I actually stumbled on a way to link John Hurt to himself without repeating a movie

Me: Ok, this might be a stretch but Ving Rhames to a bell.

JuJu: Because bells make a vinging sound?

Ving Rhames was in “Entrapment” with Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Catherine Zeta-Jones was in “Ocean’s 12” with Topher Grace in a uncredited cameo.

In “Spiderman 3” Topher Grace played Eddie Brock, who became Venom when the symbiote bonded to him in a church’s bell tower

Me: Tim Robbins to a robin.

William Sadler to a saddle.

JuJu: Tim Robbins was in “TopGun” with Val Kilmer.

Val Kilmer was in “Batman Forever” with Chris O’Donnell as Robin.

I don’t know who William Saddler is.

Me: Damn. That was too easy.

Christian Bale to a bale of hay.

JuJu: As Batman, Christian Bale fought The Scarecrow.  Scarecrows are often filled with hay?

Me: Steven Segall to a seagull

Kevin Bacon to a piece of Bacon

JuJu: Steven Segall was in “Glimmer Man” with Keenan Ivory Wayans.

Keenan Ivory Wayans was in “I’m Gonna Git You, Sucka” with Isaac Hayes.

Isaac Hayes was in “South Park- Bigger Linger & Uncut” with a voice cameo from George Clooney.

George Clooney is in the upcoming film “Up In The Air” with J.K. Simmons.

J.K. Simmons was in “Juno” with Allison Janney.

Allison Janney provided her voice to “Finding Nemo” which had a flock of hungry seagulls.

And thus ends the showcase of Mr. JuJu Von Bear the 3rd Esquire Dot Com.

R.

How she got her name: Massive, massive boobage. Very nice boobage. Boobs. Boob. Tits. Ta-tas. Fun bags, love drums, bazoombas, knockers.

Schooling: The school of Jaeger bombs. She has her doctorate.

Likes: Jaeger bombs and sex. And making obnoxious noises at work.

Hates: Sitting at work on a Friday afternoon and assholes that drive like assholes.

Music: What can you shake your ass to? Yea, she likes that.

Books: Twilight saga. No other options. No, we don’t give a shit of your opinion on sparkly vampires. We like Twilight and she will kick you in your douchey ass taint if you want to talk shit.

TV: Normal shit and by normal I mean So You Think You Can Dance and American Idol. You know, normal.

Movies: She so f-ing picky about shit, I’m surprised that she likes anything.

Activities: Stepping on your vagina. No, seriously, do not let her dance on your chair. She will step on your vagina.

Talent: The ability to turn every conversation towards sex. Wait, maybe I do that. Nope, it’s totally her.

Super Power: She will drink you under the table. Really.

Hero/Villain: Hero. I just can’t possibly imagine the kind of crime that she would fight.

Favorite activity to do together: Lunch and strip poker. Man it’s been a while since we’ve played strip poker. She also shaved my happy place for me once.

Notable: Seriously, it’s the Jaeger bombs. I’ve never seen someone who could drink so many in one night and still be able to be human. Oh my god, what if she’s not human? What if she’s from some crazy ass planet where Red Bull and Jaegermeister give you giant breasts and a fantastic ass? I totally want to be from that planet.

How he got his name: He may be the only one who had his name before I met him. I think it’s something to do with drinking and the Mexican wrestling mask he owns. Actually a lot of things he does has to do with those two things… and a fez.

Schooling: He teaches Sadistic Bastarding at Meramec. Oh, my mistake, he went to Meramec and is a Sadistic Bastard for fun.

Likes: Coffee. But not that pussy ass dime store bullshit. He likes his coffee like he likes his Chuck Norris: So fucking bad ass it will fuck your face hole just by looking at you and leave you wanting more.

Hates: Yep. What? You want more? Too bad.

Music: He has the most obscure and eclectic taste in music of all my friends. He has turned almost all of us on to new music. My favorite so far has been Bat For Lashes.

Books: Usually messed up awesome shit like Palahniuk.

TV: I’m pretty sure he has one since he spends all his time quoting SNL Celebrity Jeopardy skits. “I’ll take the penis mightier.”

Movies: Wow, I don’t even know where to begin. Kung Fu and Zombies. OMG, zombie kung fu movie would be awesome.

Activities: Drinking coffee and telling you what’s wrong with the world/you.

Talent: Philosophizing you. And smacking your ass so hard, you don’t need to be told twice.

Super Power: The ability to verbally abuse you until you are cowering in a corner in the fetal position.

Hero/Villain: If you have to ask at this point, you may need to start from the top again.

Favorite activity to do together: Talk, debate, spar.

Notable: He can fence. I’m sure you wanted something different here but come on, a villain who’s hopped up on coffee, hates the world and can fence you the fuck up? I think my job is done.

Secret note: He is one of the most loving and gentle men I’ve ever come across and he turns to mush for his cat.